Pre Covid
I had been a wife, mother, nanny to 4 and a community palliative care nurse. I had underlying health conditions, including asthma, arthritis and fibromyalgia, but found community nursing to be the manageable career around these conditions. I enjoyed my job and found it gave me an immense amount of satisfaction, yes, I struggled daily with some level of discomfort, but I had instigated many ways of dealing with this. I was proud of the fact; my half glass full personality kept me going and always received comments regarding my constantly smiling and happy nature.
The beginning (November 2020)
Covid positive result in November 2020, this was the beginning of my rollercoaster next 3 and half years and counting. I have had several long term episodes of sick leave since contracting my first episode of covid19, which has destroyed my physical, cognitive and mental health. Due to having previous underlying conditions, I had convinced myself, I would be able to use pacing techniques and listening to my body, to manage this new condition and continue in the job I loved, always putting my heart and soul into it.
In retrospect, following my first or 2nd phased return to work, I should have taken ill health retirement, as I was already suspecting I needed too and had informed my manager and HR of my suspicions. The phased returns were always at my request because, I did not want to lose everything I had worked so hard for over the last 21 years. The Trust’s occupational health team and my managers supported me to try, but with obvious concerns for my abilities due to my new and worsening health problems. Pain and breathlessness, increased brain fog and complete and utter exhaustion became my constant companions, affected my personality massively. The slightest problem would either turn me into a raging lunatic or a crumpling heap of uselessness!
There are big old stone steps up to our office, they’re not conducive with someone with increased pain conditions or breathing issues, neither is working in an office with little ventilation. I had decided these issues were constantly causing me increased breathlessness/ feelings of suffocation/dizziness, all affecting cognition and psychological stress. I kept convincing myself and others these were the main issue. I built up to 12 hour shifts far too quickly, maybe I’d be able to work part-time hours to stay in work? I was also thinking I need a blue badge!! This will help massively; I was just sugar coating every problem. I kept convincing myself and telling others “No one knows, I could improve in 3/6/12/18/36 months and be back to my normal.”
August 2022
My Long Covid had gone on for 18 months by now. The only changes included worsening symptoms and reducing mobility, cognition and psychological well-being. But speaking to colleagues, about my having to start every shift with an empty knowledge base brought me some comfort because they reported experiencing similar effects for some weeks or months after contracting covid themselves.
The recognition
So cardiology, respiratory, rheumatology, and neurology investigations, carried out throughout 2022 & 2023, helped me to recognise what was happening to me physically, but only once I had spent time with councillors and Long term conditions therapist, did I come to terms with the knowledge, my professional life was over, I realised I had tried everything and that ultimately I recognised I was no longer a safe practitioner, for my patients or myself. My balance and co-ordination are rubbish, I regularly fall into the car when trying to climb in, walk into door frames, furniture and anyone within my trip/fall radius. Having a handrail put up in my bathroom and on outside both external doors has been a huge help, so as putting my daughter on my car insurance And listening to my body, reducing booms and bust effect from over doing things. If I have a day or 2 doing absolutely nothing, then that’s how it has to be.
Now
One more failed phased return attempted (at my request again!) before I would allow myself to come to terms with the fact, I am no longer fit to work. I had lost the battles and now, the war, Long Covid has changed me completely, and irrevocably. I have had to remain on long term sick since November 2023, I know if anything I am getting worse with cognition, exhaustion, breathlessness, and pain.
My only option is to retire as my health status requires it. After 3 and half years of tears at the thought of this, I now have come to terms with the inevitable and have started ill health retirement proceedings. I am looking at ways to have quality of life and this is bringing me some comfort during this arduous journey. I now have 10 grandchildren who bring a smile to my face every time they visit.💓
30/4/2024
HR Panel meeting with my RCN representative and manager present too. Thanked me for my service, an emotional meeting, but lovely too. A meeting I had been dreading for so long has left me with lovely memories. Ill health retirement agreed, so now to get on with my life as it can be. I honestly feel relieved, even though it’s tinged with sadness. So many times, I turned away from the inevitable, but now so glad I have finally come to terms with it. The hospital appointments and form filling are now behind me, thank goodness, it’s so very exhausting trying to struggle through it all, when just getting out of bed is all you can manage most days.
My best wishes and prayers to all dealing with long covid, now and in the future, whatever that might bring.